


I want to give us a chance

by DrusillaMuffels



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Dean Winchester Holding Hands, Destiel - Freeform, Drunk Dean Winchester, Episode Fix-It: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Feels, Fix-It, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:07:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27713825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrusillaMuffels/pseuds/DrusillaMuffels
Summary: Once the dust has settled after their showdown with Chuck, the realization of what Cas had said before the Empty took him began to sink in. Dean tries to figure out his own feelings and come to terms with the fact that Cas is gone. Or is he?Takes place between S15E19 and S15E20 and after S15E20(\//\\/ indicates transition between episodes).
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Kudos: 23





	I want to give us a chance

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t want to intrude on a ship I was never a part of. I watched the show and always hoped that the characters would end up with someone who was good for them, having no personal preferences. However, after S15E19 I started to read a lot of fanfiction to bridge the time until the final episode would air and I grew fond of Destiel because of all the wonderful stories that were written about their love. I still don’t ship anyone in particular, but I think that Cas and Dean would be good for each other.  
> I also think that there was a lot of potential in the last episodes that unfortunately went unfulfilled. Therefore, I don’t want to change what happened in them, although I understand and agree with the criticism that has been voiced about them. What I’m trying to do here is to fill the gaps, especially the time in between S15E19 and E15S20 but also after S15E20, to make the canon ending one I myself can accept. My goal in this is to find a compromise that can provide an understanding between the different views in the Supernatural Family and reconcile us.  
> I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings with this story, especially those engaged in the Destiel fandom. This is my first fanfiction, I don't have a beta-reader, and I am not a native speaker, but I hope you like it nevertheless. I’m happy to read your feedback in the comments.  
> I don’t own any of the characters!

He didn’t notice the almost empty bottle slipping from his fingers, but the crash when it hit the floor and splintered into a thousand pieces made him jump. Awake again, brooding again. He hadn’t slept properly for days. At first, everything had seemed fine. They beat Chuck. Jack was in possession of all the divine power that was left in the universe and he had brought everyone back. Almost everyone... Dean and Sam were on a high back then, hitting the road, nothing to worry about. They had averted the apocalypse once and for all. They were free and they deserved a break. What came after that, however, had Dean take to the bottle more frequently.

After a while, it began to sink in. The meaning of the words Cas had said before the Empty took him. Cas said that he could never have what he wished for but that he was happy nevertheless because he could at least tell Dean that he loved him and why. Cas said that he loved him… So many conflicting feelings welled up in Dean.

First, there was confusion. Dean had never expected his best friend to harbor these kinds of feelings for him. Still, the words Castiel had chosen made it clear that he did not only love him as a friend. There was so much more in these words, Dean knew that for sure. He was taken aback and surprised. He wasn’t even able to say something worthy of that situation. His friend had been seconds away from sacrificing himself for him, confessing his unconditional love, and Dean didn’t do anything to prevent the Empty from taking Cas.

This then led to regret and anger. He wished that he could have said something, anything... He wished that Cas had confessed to him earlier. Sure, he didn’t know how he would have reacted, but he knew that he would have found an answer for Castiel, given the time. He was angry at the angel for keeping this from him for so long. And he was angry at himself because of what happened, bordering on the rim of self-loathing, like always when he had lost someone dear to him. Where was that damn other bottle he had brought to his room the last time he went out?

But would it have made a difference if he had known? He knew that angels did not identify as male or female, but the fact that Cas’ vessel had always been male made Dean think of him as exactly that. Could he have loved Cas in the same way he loved him? Or would he have turned away from Castiel because he couldn’t deal with his love, destroying their friendship? He honestly didn’t know… But he wouldn’t find out, anyway, would he? Cas was gone, sleeping in the Empty forever…

His uncertainty about his own feelings worsened the guilt he felt because of Cas’ sacrifice. And when Dean Winchesters felt guilty, the bottle was the only thing that provided comfort, at least for a time. Numbing his feelings, obstructing his thoughts, eventually leading to a blissful oblivion. 

Dean wouldn’t leave his room for days in a row, causing Sam to wonder and worry, Dean knew that. His brother didn’t know what Cas had said to him that day and he wasn’t ready to tell him yet. He didn’t know if he ever would. It didn’t help that the monsters were lying low, depriving him of a reason to get up at all, except to find another bottle of whiskey…

Of course, Sam didn’t allow for such behavior and slowly, very slowly, Dean regained his composure. Sam had given him a week or two, maybe three, Dean wasn’t sure. After that, he practically dragged Dean out of his room every day, made him wash up and get dressed. Sam established a routine in the bunker that almost made it feel like they had a normal life, made beds and breakfast included. Sometimes, Sam made Dean take walks outside the bunker, accompanying him, but never asking any questions. Dean assumed that Sam knew that it was because of Cas, but Sam didn’t know all of it, of course…

As time went by, Dean got better. He never told Sam what exactly had bothered him and Sam still didn’t ask. Dean shoved his confusion, his regret and his guilt to the back of his mind. He kept the anger though and he found a way to work it to his own advantage: to hunt. True, things had become quieter since Jack had taken over, but after a while they had cases to work again, at least from time to time. Sometimes he thought about getting out of the hunting business, but he was not quite ready to do it yet. Still, their life became more normal and the unanswered question of what he would have said to Cas if he’d had more time, began to fade away…

\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\

One day, an announcement in a paper he was reading online caught his attention. Initially, he was looking for a case, but he had just found something way more important: a pie festival! That going to Akron would also provide them with a case was pleasant at first. But he hadn’t expected that this would be the day, that an ordinary vampire hunt would lead to this, the pure chance of it took him by surprise…

\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\

“Cas helped,” Bobby said. Did that mean that Cas was here, in Heaven, not in the Empty? Dean needed time to think, time to prepare. He wasn’t ready to meet the angel just yet. “I think I'll go for a drive”.

One of his favorite songs blasting out of Baby’s speakers, Dean sped along winding roads, always taking the scenic route. This was Heaven, there were only scenic routes... He thought about what to say once he finally met Cas. Cas, who had said that he loved him. Cas, who had so willingly sacrificed himself for Dean. Cas, who was back from the Empty but never cared to visit Sam and Dean in the bunker… On a bridge that spanned over a broad river, he stopped the impala and got out of the car. Leaning on the landing, unsure if it was unfair of him to be angry with the angel, he suddenly felt a presence, but it was not Cas, he knew that without turning around. “Hey, Sammy”. “Dean”.

\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\\\//\

Sam and Dean went to their parents’ house that night, having dinner together just like they had some time ago when they were still in the bunker. This time was different though, knowing that they had an eternity to enjoy each other’s company instead of mere hours they allowed themselves to not only reminiscing about the past but making plans for the future. When Sam began to tell the family about his wife, Dean knew he couldn’t put off meeting Castiel any longer, excused himself from the table and went out into the garden. He knew now what he wanted to say, he knew what his reply would have been, what his reply would be if Cas wanted to hear it…

“Cas, you hear me? Get your feathery ass down here, asap!” A whooshing noise behind him made Dean spin around. “Hello, Dean.” Cas stood there, wearing his usual suit and the trench coat, looking like he had never left. “Were you going to tell me that you got out of the Empty?” Dean shouted, feeling the anger rising up in him at the sight of the angel.

“I wanted to give you time, Dean. When I said what I felt back then, I was sure that I would never see you again. I didn’t think there would be any way out of the Empty for me. But Jack decided that he wanted me back to rebuild Heaven, so he pulled me out. I had work to do and you didn’t call, so I assumed that you didn’t want to see me…”

“So, what are you saying? This is my fault now, because I didn’t pray to you when you were in the Empty, where I knew you couldn’t hear me? And what do you mean that you thought you were never going to see me again when you told me about your feelings? Was that why you said it? Did you even mean it? Do you know how much time I spent ripping myself apart because I wasn’t able to answer you back then?” This was not going as he had planned, not at all. Dean hadn’t known how angry he still was at Castiel for leaving him behind after confessing his feelings to him. For the first time he admitted to himself that it was not only confusion, regret, uncertainty, anger and guilt, but also pain. It hurt so much to have been left behind just after learning that someone could love him like that. And now there was also fear, fear that this love could be anything less than he had thought.

“Dean, of course I meant it. And I never expected you to answer…” “You never even gave me a chance.” Dean said quietly. “You left me there to work through it all alone with no hope of ever being able to…” his voice trailed off. “I didn’t mean to do that, Dean. I am sorry. Do you want me to leave now?” “No!”, Dean sounded more fearful than he would have liked. “No.” he said again. “We need to talk about this. I want to give you an answer, you owe me that.” “You are right, I owe you that.” Castiel sounded a bit downcast (and looked it too, his eyes avoiding Dean’s) and Dean thought he knew why. Cas still didn’t think he could have what he wished for. Dean didn’t know if he could give the angel just that, but he might still try.

“Cas, you have been my best friend for years, saving me more often than I can count. As a friend, I have loved you for a long time and that’s why I have to be honest with you. I don’t know if I will be able to love you the way you love me.” Castiel’s shoulders dropped even more at hearing Dean’s words. “But I want to try, Cas. I want to try to love you, I want to give us a chance.” Castiel’s eyes widened in disbelieve before a smile spread across his face when the meaning of Dean’s word began to sink in. Dean took Castiel’s hand in his, leading him towards the door of Mary’s and John’s house. Dean honestly didn’t know where this was going to go but had a good feeling about it. After all, they were in Heaven, weren’t they?

**Author's Note:**

> I think that Dean, being a character who is not good at dealing with his feelings, would need a lot of time (and alcohol) to come to terms with Castiel’s revelation. I also think that he might be unsure about his ability to enter into a relationship with Cas. Therefore, I wanted to address these aspects, but ultimately, I agree with Castiel: everything Dean does, he does out of love. And there is no denying that he loves Cas one way or the other, so he decides to explore this love.


End file.
